Are You Selfish?
As a counselor that works with people-pleasers, there is a word that comes up a lot during our sessions-the word selfish.
The word selfish is emotionally charged.
Be honest, when you read the word selfish, do you get a:
Knot in your stomach?
Lump in your throat?
Little nauseous?
If so, chances are that you, dear reader, have people-pleasing tendencies.
People-Pleasers HATE being thought of as selfish.
The idea that someone would think of them as selfish makes them feel like vomiting and they will do anything they can to avoid someone having that perception of them.
What People-Pleasers Say:
“I could never do that, it would be selfish” (nevermind what the “that” actually is),
“It would be selfish to ask for a day off when there is so much work to get done” (ignoring the fact that they’ve been working 12 hour days for 6 months and have so much leave time that they’ll lose it if they don’t actually take it), or
“I can’t buy myself something at the store without buying something for everyone in my family, that would be selfish” (but somehow buying things for the family without buying something for themselves is okay).
Redefining “selfish.”
Another thing I’ve learned about working with people-pleasers, is that 99.999999% of them, are using an inaccurate definition for the word selfish.
A people-pleaser’s definition of selfish is “doing anything at anytime that is just for me.” Read that out loud. Anything? At anytime? Do you hear how extreme and unrealistic that sounds? Not to mention, totally unfair.
It also reflects a thinking pattern we call black and white thinking. In black and white thinking, something either is or it isn’t. No middle ground. Only two choices.
Brain Science.
A cool thing science has learned about brains is that we have something called neuroplasticity, which means our brain has the ability to change and adapt its structure throughout our life time and can develop new neural pathways (i.e., new thoughts).
That means, you actually can learn a new thinking pattern. You can move away from black and white thinking. And you can redefine what being selfish actually means.
A Therapist’s Definition of Selfish.
“Intentionally doing something that causes another person harm for your own benefit.” Keyword there is intentional. That means to accurately label yourself as selfish, you had to do something to purposely hurt another person. You had to think your action through ahead of time and follow through with it because you wanted to cause another person harm.
With this new definition, would it be accurate to refer to yourself as selfish because you decide to take a day off from work? Or take an evening alone? Or buy yourself an ice cream on the way home? No!
Instead of labeling yourself as selfish, here are some replacement thoughts:
“I am allowed to do things just for me.”
“I can balance prioritizing my own needs and being helpful to others.”
“Even if someone else thinks my behavior is selfish, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
“Taking care of my own needs, helps me be a better human.”
“I choose to invest time and energy into myself.”
Every time, you find yourself thinking or saying “I’m being selfish…”, I want you to review the new definition and ask yourself “am I accurately using the definition?” If the answer is no, which it will be, pick one of the reframed thoughts and affirm that to yourself, repeatedly if necessary.
How Therapy for Women Can Help.
Counseling for Women can help you explore how you learned that taking care of yourself means that you were being selfish. It can help you reframe the thoughts that make you feel guilty for saying no or setting a boundary. If you have questions about therapy for women or would like to book a session with me, please use the Contact Me button below.
